You just made me feel so damn special
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
