EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I am naked and annoyed.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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