one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
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But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
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Use "feeling words"
Yay
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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