Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
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