I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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