There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
