i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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