Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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