Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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