i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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