if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
