I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
