I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
