turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She needs sedatives and a leash
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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