i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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