Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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