god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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