he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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