the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
