when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
