So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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