Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
