I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
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