I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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