Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
