His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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