you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
