Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
