Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
