i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
