did you get engaged???
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
