had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
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I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
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Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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