I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
