Can i not drive my cunt home
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize