I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
