you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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