hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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