Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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