my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
