at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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