i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
