I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
