my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
