I met the friendliest cop last night
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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