you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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