Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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