If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
