just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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