mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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