drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
