Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
