Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
