I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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