Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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