I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
