god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
