I accidentally had phone sex last night
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
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His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
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We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.