I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He has the fingertips of a God
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