i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
